love

Love is such a strong and confusing thing that most people think they love someone just because they meet them and have things in common with them or can get away from their problems by being with someone else. But they are wrong for that is not what love is at all and people who think it is are in need of help. Love is something that builds over time and changes a person inside and out. It is a feeling that is very deep and powerful and hard to explain fully but once you find it you will know it. You will be happy,complete,fulfilled,able to know that the person who gives you this feeling is worthy and you will be faithful and honest with them. Love is something I have experienced for several but only been IN LOVE with two and now one of them has my heart and soul completely and I would never think of cheating on him or anything. Love has taken hold of me with this one person and fills me with such hope and longing and happiness even though the person can cause me sadness. Love is powerful and I know that I am in love with this one person and know that it is love not lust or anything sexual.

lost and confused

I sit here right now wondering what to do about things in my life. I feel as if I am losing half of my heart,soul,mind and body yet do not know what to do. Is it possible for one person to truly become a part of you where you feel half there when they are not around yet complete when they are? If so, then I have found the one who does that to me. I found that person long ago and yet I fear I will never be able to make them happy yet they make me happy and I love them for who they really are. There are other things in my life that are making me wonder and I try to talk about them but I just do not know how to do so. It is easier for me to keep things bottled up then to talk. I feel so alone and tired yet I know I have people in my life who love me and are here for me. I am so tempted to go back to my old self yet somehow keep a part of the person I have become lately.I guess I should just let the part of me that wants to go back to old ways win for then I do not feel pain or anything. I do not know what to do and that makes me confused.

crying

tear drops fall from my eyes as i get ready to say bye to this world again for I have nothing to stay in this body for. I have lost my love twice and have helped this body get so very far already. I did not mean to fall in love yet it happened and I was hoping to have a chance with the one i love but I guess i am not worthy of having the chance with him. he rather be with someone new who doesn't know him like I do nor will ever love him as much as I do either nor let him be himself without any worries. I hate the fact that I am in this body that has hurt him but I can't help it so i have tired to make the best of it and show him that I am in love with him and want him. I would do anything to be with him and show him what he means to me. Wish I could have the chance to show him that and be happy like the body has had and blown. I'd not lie to him or anything but I guess my love for him is stronger and more real than anything.
So i sit here crying feeling pain in my heart and soul as I get ready to leave the body and most likely not come back. wish so much that my love would love me like i do him and give us a chance since i'm not like the one who hurt him.
bye world and take care

to one who has my heart

I have given you my heart,soul,mind,body and trust which are all things that are hard for me to do but I did them with you. I trust you with my love and love you unconditionally. You have had me for so long and now that there have been problems between you and this body you seem to not care that I am not the one who hurt you or anything and that you hurt me. I fight so hard for you to see me as one who you can love and who truly does love you and wants only you. I fight to show you how happy we are together and can still be if you would just be with only me like you say you wish to be. I put my soul and heart into the emails,cards,gifts and things i send to you or write you and stuff to show you how much I truly am In love with you and want you. I try to show you how special you are to me and how much you mean to me. You know that when you were gone before, I was dead and alone till you came back then I was happy and complete again. We have a bond that no other will ever be able to share with me or with you. My love for you has always been here and always will for you are the one of my heart and soul. you captured it a very long time ago and have yet to let go. When I think of the fact that I may be alone in this relationship and I may lose you again due to stupid reasons, I feel the pieces of my heart break and they stab me and I do not feel the pain till its too late.I trust you more than I do anyone else and I open up to you more than anyone else, too. Yet, now I wonder at times if you truly do love me and mean what you say or if you are just playing me for fool like so many say you are. I cry at night due to the confusion and pain I feel over all this yet when I look at the pics of us and think of the wonderful times we've shared and fact that we still have plans set to get married, I smile and wish for it all to be true. Why must I be IN LOVE with you if you do not want me or truly love me? Why must I suffer for what Tina did to you when all I have ever done is love you,talk to you, be here for you and be a good girlfriend/wife to you? You have my heart and I have told you that I never want it back and that is true for if you give it back then I am truly dead. You shall always be a part of me, my love. Why must you let fear keep you away from me when you have told me you love me and want me?I can not change what things have been done in past but I can show you that you are loved by me and wanted and hope that soon you will stop fighting what we have and be with me since Tina has told you that she will not be out with you. I love you and want you and always have and will. You are my love and life and I can not think of life without you again. Please stop fighting what we feel and give me a shot and let us be happy as we are when we hang out and such. You are the only one I have ever loved or will ever love and want my love. You and I help make each other better and let each other be our true selves and we are in love with each other at least I know for sure I m in love with you. I hate the fact that I am in this body that has hurt you in past but I am not her nor would I ever treat you like she has. You have told me that you know I am not her yet you treat me like her now and it kills me more than losing you did. You truly are the love of my life and the keeper of my heart and soul and always shall be. I want to know that the one who says he loves me, wants me,dreams of me and so forth means the words he says to me and does not say them just to make me happy. I want the man who lets me into his life like I do him and loves me as much as I love him and will give us the chance to be happy as are when we talk and hang out. My love for you will never die nor my dreams but please stop treating me like the one who hurt you and see me as the kitty that you call me and the girl you say you are in love with. I am yours till I die and my love is yours till then too. May we have the future that we have talked about and planned, my love. I love you and am only yours forever and always

Feeling lost and alone

sit here feeling as if I am alone in the world and as if all I hold dear is being lost to me yet again. the love of my life is in my life but lately has been treating me like he doesn't care and that hurts me. my life away from him is driving me crazy for I am battling two sides of myself- the good one that wants to keep on good path and the other being the part of me that was dead,not caring about life or anyone and did believe in love anymore. right now the old me is close to winning for my heart is ready to turn cold again since the one I am In Love with is afraid to be with me due to past yet tells me all the time that I am his, that he is in love with me and wants me. Why should I keep being good and feeling if all it gets me is pain?
the good side is still out for i keep being open about how I feel and want and letting people in though I hate it. I hate being torn inside and just want to be happy again like I was at the start of last year when I had my love holding me and we could talk and trust each other.
To be alone is a feeling I hate for I have been there way too much in my past yet at least before I did not feel pain or as if my world was gone.
Why must it be when I am over my fears and ready to be happy with my love that I must feel as if all is lost to me for good? WHY must I love someone who may never have truly loved me?
I just want to be loved and not feel dead anymore and to know that when someone says they are in love with me and want me that they mean it and will back it up with actions not just say the words. Maybe it is better to be lost and alone then to somewhat alive and feel your heart be crushed on floor by the one person who knows you better than anyone else and who you have loved for so long that its like breathing to you. I regret my part in our problems but if I have to lose him again then I would rather be dead and alone then to be alive and feel so cold again knowing I do not have the one who lets me be me and who has meant so much to me for so long.
so here i go wondering which way i am to go and if my love ever cared or not and feeling alone in the world again but this time not because i pushed it away but because i tried to be good and get better and just got hurt for it.

Spell

This spell this curse that you weave upon me
Makes me hate you yet love you as well.
Why? Oh why must this
spell this curse be on me?
I long to be free of it
For its driving me crazy.
Take this spell of yours off of me, please.

Our Love

Our love is as rare as a blue diamond ring
And as beautiful as a sunset with all its colors.
We may fight like cats and dogs
Who hate each other yet makeup
As if we are newly wed.
Our love is pure and true
And hopefully strong like and Ox.
I hope that our love lasts for a very long time
For it always will in my heart.